How to quote thomas Jefferson:

I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.

now i dont know if this is the exact quote Joe used. but i've personally liked it for a few. and plus thomas jefferson's the man. he was my favorite president until bill clinton, and i grew up in regan years. i did a wax crayon drawing of him in 3rd grade, that came out this pukey orange on the wax paper transfer, so i cried. it was mrs miller's class, i always wanted to stick it to her, even before i knew that shit was cool. (way before Teachers gone wild.) so back to my wadded up panties and throwing a bitch fit on the floor because i had an orange thomas jefferson who was my favorite old man besides my grandfather until another old man got a blowjob at work from monica, after my grandfather died. so hear i am carrying on like a tampax ad during the superbowl, with mrs. miller consoling me. i cheered up and probably even had a little 3rd grade bone goin. who knows. not me. so she convinces me that its artistic and blah blah blah im a smart kid just like all the other smart kids in the world.

Well, then these mother fuckers come off of the iron press and onto the fabric rags we had. BAM, wouldn't you fuckin know that everyones colors transformed a little bit from that hot iron press and those third rate public school whorehouse bedsheet rags. All of a sudden there were 30 pink as all gay hell presidents, and one fuckin life like thomas jefferson. we all know who purposefully made the motherfucker orange. ME bitches. so now all the kids who were makin fun of me cryin turn into little namby pamby republicans without blowjobs. and there i am. acting all bill clint with a blunt and a hummer brewin. life was on the up and up. i couldn't tell you 20 words thomas jefferson ever said. i'm not that kind of smart. The kind of smart i am though, will help me tell you that he: fucked slaves, grew hemp, had illegitimate children, rode horses, and had a house named monticello that i've always wanted to visit. I still haven't. I think those things qualify him as a good man and an even better role model to kids. Kids like Joe. Joe's an adult now.

in china, er america, fuck who knows, maybe the mother fucker is on the moon sellin blow to blind kids in a school for parapalegic synchronized swimmers. i dont know. either way though. Joe liked thomas jefferson, thats what made me and him friends. it wasn't the crazy ass drug riled adventures we had funded by way too much money. nor was it the time the cops told us to leave the woods because bears were out, but joe simply explained to the cops "no its okay, let me show you were the leaves look like lava." maybe he said fire, but i think it was lava. either way we were tore the fuck back on mushrooms and jack daniels. but ya, it was never adventures or drugs that united us. just a simple man who died the same day as John Adams.(no not the beer, or the black guy who makes fun of the guy who makes the beer, those are sams.) so ole joe loves thomas jefferson he decides that one day he is going to honor him in the way only a thomas jefferson lover could. he would unfurl a banner that honors everything thomas jefferson honored. Hemp, Slaves, Freedom, and illegitimate children. But "Bong hits 4 slaves, freedom and mother fuckin bastards" was waay too big for the ~16 foot of white butcher paper that joe had. plus he only had a half of a roll of duct tape. so "BONG HiTS 4 JESUS" it was. who the fuck knows if thomas jefferson was christian or not? he seeemed rather blasphemous to me. always whore mongerin and swearing and smoking the doobie reefer.

so joe throws out the banner, in front of the freedom fire, the Olympic torch. supposedly to do it in front of TV cameras. but the funny thing is, is that the only photo/video of the whole incident in circulation was taken by a Mr. Clay Good, Science teacher at JDHS, and a badass jazz drummer. the principal stole the banner, and it eventually made it to washington dc, where it ultimately capped and diminished students freedom's for a long time to come, perhaps till the end of times.
but it didnt die. it will be in the Juneau Parade in less than 36 hours. big fuckin deal. its like the shroud of Turin, its not that cool if its the original, but it is cool to make a cheap knockoff that you can convince to everyone that it is the original. so thats what we shall do. it won't be a perfect duplicate cause joes a fuckin asshole and didnt hold the banner taut enough for clay good to get a 100% straight on shot of it, but we shall do our best. and we're gunna need the following things immediately:

• A Pint of scotch. (if no go, irish whisk, or any non american whisk is kosher)
• a little imagination
• a couple of bong hits (for whoever you want this time, long as you're inhalin)
• a little bit of inside knowledge.

i will provide the inside knowledge, cause i imagine anyone who's still following is either really fuckin high or dumb. or maybe just bored and wanted to read something at work that could get them fired. i do that all the time. either way, i digress...
Here is the photo that Clay Good Snapped. You should be drinking as oft as i am. i've already had two mouthfuls of whiskey, with no chaser. i stopped counting bong hits at 16 years old, im guessing im around the population of china....anywhoo. the little drug ridled female in the red and white outfit, between the red sticks, we're going to assume that she is 5'3", or 63'' tall. shes seems to have an awkward posture going on. it seems like she may be trying to squeeze out a small child, or a big mac fart. so including her illegitmate child/big mac flatulence, we are going to call her an even 5 feet. From the top of her head to the bottom of her straight leg (her right)[poor bitch obviously got a pegleg and a case of gas.] is 103 pixels. so that means to people like me and you, that 60'' is equal to 103 pixels.

all you math fucks, one inch will now equal 1.716667 pixels this is cool. ok, so the banner from the Middle of our right side edge, to the spot on the left where the banner would be if everyone holding it were the same height, and holding taut is 321pixels.so if 60'' equals 103pixels, then X equals 321 pixels. to find X we take a couple more mouthfuls of whiskey(keep up youngins.)The answer is that the banner is 15.582524ft long(186.99029inches)The heigh of the banner above the chick in red and white comes out to 49pixels; this means the height of the banner would be 28.543689inches.


So Time out (for a bonger, and a shot.) what all of this means, is that we now have a referenceable area. which is..... 186.99029Width x 28.543689Height. this is great.now it gets easier, we simply plot a grid upon an area that size. and plot one on the original image that we can use as a rough study.
and then heres another one i skewed out from the banner laying on the ground. ill finish this with a better grid, and step by step instructions on how to make your own bong hits 4 jesus banner that you can unfurl in front of your school, church, or blind offspring.

Personally. i would've said something cooler. like "STOMaCHE PUNCHES 4 PREGGERS"


fuck, i can't believe i just wrote that, whatev let it roll