If you want to be cool like me

If you ever want to get pussy or dick which ever prefered you must narrow you horizons to these tasks:

1. Eat a vast amount of gangrene shrimps
2. Take a diabetic shit in public
3. Let no pube be unturned
   
4. Piss in a butthole
5. Reach for that diet lo carb vanilla cherry caffeine free soda and do a 98 hail Beavis
6. Claim Hitler made O.J. forfiet a 2 dollar bill that had sacred writings to destroy the NAACP
7. Have a Klan meeting at the nearest church
8. Let everyone know you are planning a vacation to Borneo but really go to Iraq and sell bootleg copies of Justin Timberlakes sex tape in which he preforms a spiritual ritual regurgitating his own semen into the mouth of a 56 year old midget named Thomas Applebottom Smiley.
   
9. Greet the Pope with a what up dog hand shake and proceed to tell him Wu-Tang clan ain't nuthin' to Gink wit.
   
10. Announce that you are running for the President and when this happens you must resign on the grounds that you have better things to do before you take a shit on America.
    
11. Vow your are not a virgin until you break your thighs crushing Lexington Steele in a mud wrestling match.
12. Skip along the rainbow of an enlightened LCD LSD PCP DVD trip.
    
13. Render a homeless man through 3-d Studio Max and let Knoppix do the talking while holding a 14 year old bottle of Bushmills in your afro.
    
14. Make a wish through the Make-a-Wish foundation but tell them that you don't have any legs because you got them shot off in the Korean war. But really you have to get the shot off while meandering through the halls of the Whitehouse in a clown suit on a segway bumping OMC records and masturbating to a picture of Torrie Wilson on a crack cocaine bender.
    
15. And finally try and kill yourself but survive a 15 story drop into a pit of sand demons that have tridents paying homage to Aries and all his glory. This will get you into heaven and you will have 9.0002345843 seconds to bust a nut onto a radicalist Taliban midwife pouring a vat of spermatazoa in an indian ink bottle ready to write calligraphic nature scripts for the celestial rules to using Edgar Cayce's akishic porn collection in a violent rampage against Peter Jackson and all that his testicles stand for.